Kyun Dost?

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Flying Time and keeping track of it.

Time flies. Every time a read an old note or entry, I am always surprised that it was 1-2 or 3 months ago. Wow. And then I figure out all the things I could have done in that period, but didn’t. And then decide that I will start today. Why today, Now!

And then I go to sleep.

I have tried analyzing why I do it. Why I procrastinate so much.
To be honest, I have never been a hard working lad. Never had to work much for anything in my life, and perhaps that is what scares me. It is still an unknown territory for me.

I have friends who tell me that they can study stretch for hours at a time, because they have the experience from when they did it for their qualifying exams. I have had the opportunity to hang out with many dedicated and hard working students when I was in college and their work ethic always surprised me.
I, personally, have never worked that way. Have never studied that way.
For me, everything has to be perfect, for me to start something. The environment, the plan, how I will go about it etc.

But lately I have realized that whatever little I have learned, or skills I have acquired over the years, have been when I started something with no plan at all, no intention of sticking to it for long, and slowly with the time flying, my level kept on improving, and there I was better than everyone else at it. That I understand now is the secret to learning anything new. Just start, keep at it, take as many breaks as you want, but keep at it, come back to it always and next thing you know, you are good at it.

To be continued…
For

A Blast From The Past – Mike Dash

Hanging around r/foodforthought on reddit late yesternight, found a brilliantly written history blog. Started on a post on white slave market in medieval Crimea, spend the next hour reading about Friedrich Engels’ Irish muse followed by Islam’s medieval underworld and others seemingly insignificant but rather very interesting entries.
The posts are long, but read very well. Searched for the blog today and was not surprised to find that it comes highly acclaimed and loved. The author is Mike Dash, ” a Welsh writer, historian and researcher. He is best known for books and articles dealing with dramatic yet little-known episodes in history.”

He has “enjoyed an eclectic career as a journalist, magazine publisher, educationalist and author, in the course of which I’ve written five (and counting) heavily-researched popular histories: Tulipomania, Batavia’s Graveyard, Thug, Satan’s Circus and The First Family – if you really want the full story, go here.”

On the about page, it is mentioned that already the blog ‘runs to the length of two full-size books’. Great. Sleepless nights will be better spent.

 

Changing the life

Okay, so yet again, for the thousandth time, I am planning to change everything in my life.
This blog will be my diary. I will record all my decisions and ideas here.

The trigger (there is always a trigger) this time is my CAT exam which is on 16th, and I don’t have a clue.

 

It is 5:40 PM here. I am working from home as usual. I have emailed my team that I won’t be available till 7 PM as I have some personal work.
There is no personal work, I was feeling down.

What is the point? What is the meaning of your life?

When I was single digit young, I found it very stupid that some people killed themselves. In my naivety I believed that they did so because they did not like their life. Surely any life was better than no life at all. If ever I would get into a situation that makes me want to kill myself, I would run away, steal, do bad things, but never kill myself. Why don’t they run away?

Of course a few years later, I got what it was all about and still learning. And a few more years and I am not so sure that any life is better than no life at all. If I ask myself what is the point? the point of it all? I have no answer, and none, that others put forward satisfy me. Whenever I am stupid enough to mention this question to anyone, I instantly regret it. At best, It will be shrugged off and at worst, I will get to listen to a talk which will have nothing new to offer.

It upsets me, but also is my ticket out of depression. It is the last stage in my depression cycle where I accept my helplessness and insignificance and let go of all the bother- worries, questions, ideas as unavoidable, and absolutely not in my control. I am born again, with a zeal to change everything about my life. I have done it so many times, that I know what is going to happen next, how the cycle works, but still, it is a nice feeling.

Myself when young did eagerly frequent
Doctor and Saint, and heard great Argument
About it and about: but evermore
Came out by the same Door as in I went.